At a recent networking event I was asked to share some of my thoughts on Building Resilience based on living for many years in another culture.
Moving to another culture and living there for an extended period of time leads to ‘culture shock’ – a sense of bewilderment, insecurity and disillusionment. It has this affect because moving to another culture strips us, to one degree or another, of many of the things that we rely on for our sense of security and wellbeing. It is the very familiarity of our lives which gives us our sense of security. When these things are taken away, suddenly we feel that life is dangerous and precarious.
So what have I learned in building resilience?
1. Develop a sense of identity that does not depend only on the things you do.
Our view of ourselves and our sense of identity is often tied to our work. We often define ourselves by what we do in our work, and our culture affirms that identity. Moving to another culture, however, often means that we cannot work as well as we would usually do, sometimes language and cultural expectations differ and suddenly we feel our sense of identity is undermined. This can also happen when we lose our job or leave one job to go to another. We then lose the security of our own sense of self, of who we are and what we are capable of.
When we moved to Tanzania, although my husband and I worked together for a charity organisation, only he had a job description, and so I felt at a loss for a long time, until I was able to develop an identity that did not depend on ‘having a job’.
What we need is a sense of identity that is not only linked to what we do, but also our family relationships, our volunteering, our social commitments and our own personal development. Our work is a part of our identity, but it is not the only thing that gives us our identity. By acknowledging the importance of the other things in our lives we give ourselves a secure identity which is not rocked completely when our work is either changed or taken away from us.
2. Develop a sense of purpose that is not directly linked to where you are, or what your job is.
Again, we often only have a sense of purpose about our work situation. We set goals and targets, we acquire qualifications, and we seek promotion. But if we lose our job or if it changes, or if we do not progress as we once thought we would, then our sense of purpose is taken away from us.
When I found that I had no designated ‘job’ in Tanzania, I spent several years struggling to try and change things so that I could ‘do’ what I thought I should be doing. But I was thwarted at every turn. Then I realised that if my circumstances were not going to change, there was still one thing that I could change – that one thing was Me.
My sense of purpose changed from ‘what I could or could not do’ to ‘who’ I was and ‘how’ I wanted to be. This did not depend on the job I was doing, it was something that I could work on and take with me whatever job I was doing.
Steven Naismith, who plays for Rangers football team has an unusual ambition. ‘I want to be good’ he says. This does not just mean that he wants to be a good footballer, although that is certainly part of his focus at the minute, but he also wants to be good in other areas of his life and so he is developing his activities in charitable work. Naismith’s purpose is not tied to his job and so it is one that will still give him focus even when he has to retire from football.
3. Develop a sense of realism by challenging illusions and false expectations.
Many of the motivational speakers that we hear and much of the motivational literature that we read tells us that we can achieve great things, that if we follow this process or that one we will find ourselves on the road to success, that we can make the money roll in, or become the CEO of a multi-million pound enterprise.
But in reality, most of us will not achieve those things. We will do the best we can at whatever we do well, we will provide for our families, raise our children, and hopefully progress to some degree in our career. This is a good thing. There is nothing wrong with this.
When we lived in a third world country where the standard of living was considerably lower than we have it here in the UK it surprised me to see that many people lived contented lives. When terrible things happened to them, they did not ask ‘why me?’ they simply accepted that sometimes bad things happen, but also that good things happen too.
Life will always be a series of ups and downs, good times and difficult times, successes and failures, gains and losses. It is an illusion to think that things will always get better because sometimes they won’t.
So,
- if we have a sense of identity that is broader than what we do in our job
- if we have a sense of purpose that is deeper than our work and
- if we have a sense of realism that life is full of downs as well as ups
then we will be able to be resilient and survive the toughest of times in 2012 and beyond.
